"LOOKING"

Seems like I spent most of my life looking for something. Sounds absurd when I write it down but it's the truth. Some of my earliest memories are of me doing things to get attention. I was always looking for attention. I guess I thought if someone was giving me attention it meant they cared about me. I was easy prey for someone with dishonorable intentions and I suffered for it in the years to come. Things so horrible that I still can't bring myself to share and may never be able to. Anyway ,that's not where I wanted this blog to go today so moving on.....

If I was sick I made it into a life threatening illness. I remember once in my early teens having a cold and passing it off as the flu. I went a few days without eating and living on grape juice and Pepsi even though I was starving. Of course, this illness coincided with my momma having a new boyfriend. She had just gotten rid of a stepfather I couldn't stand and I was afraid she was about to do the same thing all over again. Momma was pretty set in her ways and she was pretty good at seeing through fake bouts of flu. She didn't let my latest scheme get in the way of her life and she continued on with her new relationship. As for me, I guess the steady diet of grape juice and Pepsi worked a miracle because I recovered in time for the Friday night football game.

It took me a long time to realize that you cannot manipulate life or the people in your life. Oh, you can make good choices, get a good education, and live a good moral life that you can be proud of. Those are things you do to go along with whatever fate sends your way. You will never be able to make someone love you if they don't, you can never bring someone back from the dead, and the chances of you hitting the lottery are not much better than those of raising the dead.

I'd like to say that I'm no longer "looking" for something in life but that would be a complete fabrication. I can say I'm content with the loves of my life, my family, and that they love me unconditionally as I do them. I haven't been afflicted with a bad case of "fake flu" or any other attention seeking illness in a long time. I do still have days where I feel like I'm alone, unaccomplished, and sometimes I feel like an absolute failure. Those rare days are the one that motivate me the most to keep looking.