Normal Laughter

Facebook friends often comment about how funny my posts are on the social media site. I an guilty of loving a good laugh, but there is another side to me that I  do not share with everyone. There is a reason for the jokes and the laughter. There are things that I want out of life, some of them silly and some the kind of things everyone wants, but most of all I just want to be normal and secure. Unfortunately, those are the two things that have always been out of reach for me, so laughter has become my way to cope with my failure to obtain those two things.

As a child, I wanted to be like the other  kids with a mommy and daddy. My mom would be active in PTA and daddy would go to work. We would all gather around the dinner table each night and talk about our day. That certainly did not work out for me! Daddy was dead, momma had her hands full trying to take care of my brothers and me. Fortunately for me, I had books and imagination to fill the void and meet my needs. I think those two things are what helped me cope when I was molested. I simply pretended it wasn't happening. It wasn't until many years later, as an adult that I admitted the horrible things occurred during my childhood. To this day, I rarely mention the molestation. I do not want to speak of it, I prefer to pretend it did not happen. My chance to be normal was stolen early in life.

The person who did this unspeakable thing to me left my life before my teen years, and as I mentioned earlier, I pretended it did not happen. I carried on desperately wanting to be like my friends and their families. By this time, I had such a distorted view of what normal was supposed to be!  I realized just how far away it was from where I was and that was when I began taking shortcuts to get to "normal". Pretend you are going on a road trip with a definite destination in mind. Along the way you  tire of traveling so you stop somewhere and  convince yourself you have reached your destination. Finally, you are there!!  Then imagine the despair you feel when you realize you have gone in the wrong direction and are miles from your intended destination. It's hard to pack up your car and hit the road! It's the same way trying to get to normal, I think I'm there and then, BAM! I realize "normal" just up and moved right before I got there.

I have traveled down more wrong roads than I care to remember. I've been beaten down, lifted up. confused, abused, happy, sad and a hundred different other things, but I have never been the one thing that I have always longed for, "normal".  I am declaring war on "normal". If you exist, stop hiding. Come out and fight like a woman!! I am giving up the search, if you want me you know where I am. I'll be the chick laughing in your face.