"LOOKING"

Seems like I spent most of my life looking for something. Sounds absurd when I write it down but it's the truth. Some of my earliest memories are of me doing things to get attention. I was always looking for attention. I guess I thought if someone was giving me attention it meant they cared about me. I was easy prey for someone with dishonorable intentions and I suffered for it in the years to come. Things so horrible that I still can't bring myself to share and may never be able to. Anyway ,that's not where I wanted this blog to go today so moving on.....

If I was sick I made it into a life threatening illness. I remember once in my early teens having a cold and passing it off as the flu. I went a few days without eating and living on grape juice and Pepsi even though I was starving. Of course, this illness coincided with my momma having a new boyfriend. She had just gotten rid of a stepfather I couldn't stand and I was afraid she was about to do the same thing all over again. Momma was pretty set in her ways and she was pretty good at seeing through fake bouts of flu. She didn't let my latest scheme get in the way of her life and she continued on with her new relationship. As for me, I guess the steady diet of grape juice and Pepsi worked a miracle because I recovered in time for the Friday night football game.

It took me a long time to realize that you cannot manipulate life or the people in your life. Oh, you can make good choices, get a good education, and live a good moral life that you can be proud of. Those are things you do to go along with whatever fate sends your way. You will never be able to make someone love you if they don't, you can never bring someone back from the dead, and the chances of you hitting the lottery are not much better than those of raising the dead.

I'd like to say that I'm no longer "looking" for something in life but that would be a complete fabrication. I can say I'm content with the loves of my life, my family, and that they love me unconditionally as I do them. I haven't been afflicted with a bad case of "fake flu" or any other attention seeking illness in a long time. I do still have days where I feel like I'm alone, unaccomplished, and sometimes I feel like an absolute failure. Those rare days are the one that motivate me the most to keep looking.

"Operation End Soaps"

I am not the least bit embarassed to admit that I have watched a soap opera or two in my time. I have learned so many things from soaps that I've been able to apply to my own life and it is my feeling that soaps are a necessary ingredient in a recipe for a happy life. It is a tragedy that, there is at this very moment, a campaign to bring an end to soap operas. I am not overreacting!! This is a serious problem with the potential to damage many lives in the future.

One of my grandkids once called me a drama queen. So what if I like a little excitement? A crisis is a crisis whether large or small, and there is nothing wrong with a little or a lot of carrying on. Not that I do...carry on, that is.

You can imagine the come apart I had when networks started cancelling soaps that had been on the air for longer than I've been on the earth. It was devastating when "The Guiding Light" was the first show to hit the chopping block. Reba was like a sister to me and I had been in love with Josh most of my adult life. I never could decide if I was happier when they were together or apart. And that Alan Spaulding, just when I decided he had sunk to the lowest low, he would up and do something so nice that I wondered how I could ever doubt him. Oh how I miss the Spauldings, Shanes, Lewises and the rest of the "Guiding Light" gang.

"As the World Turns" stopped turning a short time later, replaced with a talk show. A talk show with female hosts? REALLY? Who watches that kind of stuff? If I want to listen to women talk I just call Rachael or a friend, someone who's opinion actually matters to me. I really place no value on Hollywood's views on clothing, child rearing, marriage, politics, other celebrities, or anything else for that matter. I was much happier trying to figure out solutions for my tv family in Oakdale. I have aquired a fair amount of confidence in my problem solving skills which are still intact thanks to the "Young and Restless" and "The Bold and Beautiful".

I strongly suspect that network execs are sequestered in a fancy room somewhere at this very moment working out a deal to end all soaps and replace them with more asinine game shows and ridiculous talk shows. I think it's a conspiracy to force stay at home moms and dads into the workplace or the marketplace to avoid another boring day at home. It makes perfect sense, working, shopping, stimulating the economy and paying taxes. I wouldn't be suprised to learn that the government has it's hand in "Operation End Soaps". I didn't spend 10 years learning how to be a detective with Tad Martin and Paul Williams for nothing.

Gone Country or Country Gone?

Who was the genius that came up with the idea of Ludicras and Jason Aldean rapping on a country music awards show? Point him out to me.....got a little something for him/her. It"s bad enough that I endure Christina and her outrageous behavior on The Voice in order to watch team Blake but THIS??? Somebody get me my pills because this country girl is having a spell (you know a hissy fit).

Justin, I got a news flash for you....that should not be you accepting a country music award. I don't mean to be ugly, Justin's okay, but let's face it, the boy ain't country.

I am a proud Sheryl Crow fan.I bought into the whole 40 is the new 20's thing. That philosophy worked till the hot flashes reminded me that thinking you're in your 20's doesn't make it true. I wanna soak up the sun as much as the next girl, on a beach, in a swimsuit, but on stage at an awards show I don't wanna see your drawers cause your skirts too short. Sheryl, you've got a nice pair of legs, they would've looked just as nice if you had about 10 more inches of skirt.

It was nice to see Wynonna and Shania Twain make an appearance. Wynonna has still got it! I caught Shania on Oprah the other day and was as impressed with her sincerity as I have been with her vocal talent. Do you believe she wrote and sent an email to the "other woman" begging her not to take her man (sounds like a country song)? She shared those details to remind people that we all have our pathetic moments. I just wanted to hug her when she slipped and fell on the show tonight. Don't be embarrassed, Shania. Sheryl wasn't and everybody saw her drawers.

I don't know what's going on in Nashville but I sure would like to. I can't figure out if everybody has gone country or if country's just gone. Is there a fabric shortage in Nashville that we haven't heard about? Is there a new secret club in town that requires members to wear their caps backwards? If y'all find out give me a call....the number is BR549. You're going to have to be over 40 to understand that one!

Happy Endings and Happier Beginnings

I just finished the McKettrick's trilogy by Linda Lael Miller. All three of which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm all about a good love story and when it's comes in the form of not one, not two, but three hunks who just happen to be wealthy cattle ranchers...it's all good.

Books have been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Want to know a secret? I rarely read books that are non fiction. Okay, I only read romance books or chick lit. I don't like books that are good for me in an intellectual...YAWN.. way. I read purely for entertainment. If I claim to have read a book that is educational, chances are I got the title from a of heroine in the latest trashy romance novel I'm enjoying. I love a smart heroine and sometimes I borrow things from one. Truth is I ain't all that bright but I like for people to think I am.

It's too bad that some romantic fiction books get a bum rap or that women and men who read them are embarrassed to admit it. What's wrong with a good old fashioned love story with a happy ending? Throw in a baby, a beach, a big bank account and I'm buying it and I don't care who knows it.

Too bad life isn't like a good book. We would never have to worry or be afraid of turning the page because each chapter brings us closer to the inevitable happy ending. Everybody knows a happy ending in a good book is really just the beginning. Take the McKettrick brothers....they're alive and well on the McKettrick ranch that LL Miller created for them and for me. Here's to happy endings and even happier beginnings!

Betty

I always had a special connection to my Aunt Betty when I was a young girl. She was the one person I could turn to when circumstances became too much for me to handle. I loved her dearly and I still do. I spent as many nights as momma would allow at my Aunt Betty's house. Grandmother used to shake her head and say, "that girl loves Betty more than her own momma". I guess that was close to being true. I loved them both but it was easier to show it to Betty than to momma.

When I was young I was convinced that Betty loved me more than anybody in the whole world including her own children. I can see now that while that may not have been exactly the way it was..... it was exactly the way she made me feel. What's wrong with that? Not a dern thing!

I looked forward to going to church with Betty and my cousins on Wednesday nights because afterwards she would whip up some dip and open a bag of chips while we watched "The Twilight Zone". It was nights like those that kept me going during some difficult times. Momma had remarried and I wasn't thrilled about it. In fact, the only good thing to come from it was my baby brothers and a cool older stepsister. As much as I loved them I disliked my stepfather.

We used to have some pretty good fights at our house in those days. We were the polar opposite of the Brady Bunch more like the crabby bunch. It was after one of those fights that I decided to run away. I packed my clothes and headed across the street to my Aunt Betty's house where I informed her of my plan to live with her. I was busy settling into my new home when momma arrived with a green switch in hand. She whipped me all the way home while making me carry my clothes. Some of the family still talks about Louise whipping Sandra all the way up the hill and across the yard. I know I never forgot it. The whipping hurt like the dickens but not nearly as much as seeing momma cry about what I'd done. I went back home and prayed for a divorce.

God must have been listening because a few years later the divorce came along with some other unwelcome changes. Betty remarried and moved away. I missed her but by that time I had come to realize that I wasn't the center of her universe and that was okay. I take comfort in knowing that I was then and still am her very favorite niece. Oops! Sorry, Kissy, Becky, Wendy, Stacey, and Jessica but y'all had to know I'm the favorite.

Sugar Rocks, Bottle Caps and So Much More

I write a lot about my Grandmother Holden so it's pretty obvious how much I adored her. She was everything a grandmother should be and more. My Mawmaw Cox, on the other hand was not. As a child I just accepted that she wasn't too crazy about us grandkids. I never questioned it or worried about her lack of enthusiasm when we visited. I just assumed she was lazy and didn't like us. I tolerated her because she was married to my pawpaw.

My brother, Timmy and I often spent the night at mawmaw and pawpaw's little house on the edge of Lexington. Pawpaw was the one who cared for us during those visits. He prepared our meals, made sure we bathed but most importantly, he entertained us. He played endless hours of checkers with us on a worn out checker board with bottle caps for checkers, instead of the usual red and black checkers we had bottle caps facing up and down. We spent a fair amount of time on the front porch swinging in the porch swing while pawpaw watched from an old ladder back chair. We dug sugar rocks from the rocky driveway that led to mawmaw and pawpaw's house and raced back to share our treasures with pawpaw. He would inspect them and declare each rock more valuable than the one before. After a long day of playing it was pawpaw who put us to bed in the same room he slept in. Mawmaw had her own room and her own bed that she was in every day before darkness fell. I always thought she sure needed a lot of sleep for someone who did absolutely nothing.

Pawpaw had an endless supply of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls in the freezer, a cookie jar filled with no bake chocolate oatmeal cookies, and plenty of cokes in returnable bottles that he was eager to share with us. In the mornings he would fry eggs over medium and serve them to us with some of mawmaw's frozen biscuits. I loved the eggs but the biscuits.....not so much. Occasionally mawmaw would get up out of her chair and join us for our meals but sadly, those occassions were few and far between. She rarely got out of her chair for anyone other than herself. She would just sit and stare all day long.

Looking back I can see mawmaw suffered from depression. Maybe with today's treatment she would have had a more fulfilling life. The only kind of treatment she had that I am aware of was the ceramic class she took as some sort of therapy. I'm not a doctor but I think the only purpose it served was to fill mawmaw's walls with hideous ceramic fruit and other ridiculous looking plaques. I don't know for sure why she was the way she was but I do know that while she sat alone in her chair pawpaw was busy doing double duty. He was everything a pawpaw should be and more.

Scholarship to the University of Happiness

If you have a child in school you have probably given some thought to how you will pay for college when the time comes. This past week my son and I attended scholarship night for juniors at Brooks High School. The guidance counselor presented us with a booklet of information and a presentation detailing the ins and outs of obtaining a scholarship for the brilliant kids at BHS.

I was so pleased that the counselor took time to meet with parents and students and we did gain a valuable amount of information. I was not pleased to realize that my son is behind on information gathering necessary to be awarded a scholarship. It seems it is a good idea to begin compiling a resume in the 9th grade detailing leadership, community service, clubs, church activities, athletic participation and whatever else the student may have involved in during his/her high school years. I feel a panic attack coming on as I imagine what my sons resume might look like.

Hi, my name is Patrick Tate. My friends call me P Tate. I will be entering my senior year at BHS and would love to have a scholarship near my home because my mom still does my laundry and serves as my personal secretary. P.S. please contact her if you need to set up an interview as she schedules all my appointments.
Personal objective or work experience: Worked summers in the family business, Louise's Flowers. I really don't know what I want to do with my life but I do know it does not involve flowers or working with my mom and grandmother. For crying out loud, I'm only 17!!! Do I have to decide now?
Education: Brooks Elementary grades k-6 and Brooks High School grades 7-present.

Hobbies and interest: I play piano because my personal secretary aka my mom makes me. I also play bass guitar but what I really excel at is video games and hanging with my friends.

I assume anyone reading this (especially parents of juniors) understands my dilemma. What I don't understand is why we have to pressure our kids to do things for the wrong reasons. I think it is wonderful to volunteer to help others. There is nothing that compares to the wonderful warm feeling you get when you know you've done something really good for someone in need. I don't understand why we have to tell everyone what we've done.

I also think it's great to acknowledge a students achievements with awards during their time in high school especially if it stems from academic excellence or other personal achievements. Awards given because a couple of teachers get together and decide to pass out awards to each others children and their friends are ridiculously transparent to those who know the truth and while they may look good on paper will do little to help a student in the real world.

As parents we were presented with a question at the scholarship meeting, "What do you want you're kids to do?" My answer was not the same as our counselors who said, "You want them to work". Mine was "I want my son to be happy". It's pretty obvious that most of us must work to support ourselves as we go through life, I just don't see why work can't be something we love doing.

I admit I was poking fun at my youngest son with the resume thing. Truthfully, he is a great student and I expect him to do well at whatever he chooses. He has had his fair share of accomplishments and I am certain he will be able to pull off a resume that will be impressive as will all of the other students at BHS who desire to do so. I just hope when listing things they hope to accomplish in life that at the top of the list is the word "HAPPINESS".